Subsequent Walk Down the Aisle
When one has suffered the loss of a spouse or endured the hassle of a divorce, the words “I will never get married again” are usually spoken. Death and divorce are painful experiences that truly never want to be experienced again. Avoiding a subsequent marriage is the obvious way to prevent this pain from happening.
Now, reality check. There are millions of subsequent marriages that sneak-up on people making them say things like “I wasn’t looking for anyone” or “how could I resist this love?” Maybe this is happening to you right now!
If you are planning your second marriage or have been living like Elizabeth Taylor with multiple partners for the past fifty years, congratulations on your decision to be married...again!
While most religious faiths consider divorce and/or remarriage a category of sin, each faith does have a formula for forgiveness and relieving any long-term guilt. Some religions have devised financial punishment to get rid of the guilt and others make it as simple as asking one’s higher power to forgive and it is done. Everyone wants their marriage to last forever, but all marriages end in death or divorce and everyone has the opportunity to move on to another special relationship.
Another marriage is especially nice to plan if you had your mother’s dream wedding the first time. Most mothers start planning their daughter’s wedding the day she is born. It will be bigger and better than what was thrust upon her by her mother. Generations of girls have their dream wedding the second time.
Here’s an eye-opener on etiquette. If your father “gave you away” at your first wedding, doesn’t your ex-husband need to ”give you away” this time? Please laugh now!
In reality, a subsequent marriage, after some maturing, is usually more meaningful than the first. One knows what works and what doesn’t. Negative baggage from previous relationships (even with caretaker parents) can be left behind as every day brings a new beginning to this special relationship.
If the first spouse turned out to be a real jerk, remember, you chose to marry this person and share some of the responsibility for the choice. Don’t repeat history by tolerating this same kind of behavior in another person. By all means, change the things you can...you can only change yourself and your choices. And no, it was not your fault he turned out to be a jerk!
If children are involved, be careful. Do not let them get lost in the relationship. Establish a proper relationship between the child and the new spouse. Whoever invented step-parenting did not take into account that every child has only two parents. Two parents were the original design and the only design that works.
New partners can be best friends with the children, but unless adopted, will never be a parent. By communicating that early in the relationship it will prevent a child from pointing a finger and screaming, “You’re not my parent!” Reply simply, “No I am not, but I am your mother’s husband (or father’s wife) and we have rules in our house.
Most succeeding weddings are paid for by the bride and groom. Here’s a chance to go “all out” or get married on the cheap.
If you are considering getting married on “the cheap,” consider what statement this is making. “We don’t have enough money to do it right,” or, “the wedding doesn’t mean very much to us,” could be excuses for rushing a relationship that has not grown to a responsible level.
The wedding industry wants you to go all out. The wedding industry in Arizona really knows how to put on a lavish and socially fulfilling wedding. With Arizona’s reputation for great venues, fabulous entertainers and talented designers, this is the right state for any number of walks down the aisle.
If you have found a new love and everything is right, go for it! If you said, “I’ll never get married again” and are actually getting married again, you are among millions of people that truly believe in marriage. Marriage is sacred. Marriage is honorable. Marriage is great when you marry the right person.
What Is This Thing Called Love?
What is this thing called love?
This funny thing called love?
Just who can solve its mystery?
Why should it make a fool of me?
I saw you there one wonderful day
You took my heart and threw it away
That's why I ask the Lord in Heaven above
What is this thing called love?
Cole Porter wrote the lyrics to that old Billie Holiday hit. Since love is driving couples to the altar, what is this thing called love?
Every couple has it’s own description of this thing called love. The first time love is “realized” between two hearts sometimes makes a person totally speechless, unable to say anything. If something is said, it might not even make sense.
In 1 John, toward the back of the New Testament, John says, “God is love.” In fact, that little book talks more about love and what to do with it than any other.
The New Testament was originally written in the very descriptive and meaningful Greek language. Ancient writers used three classic words for love: eros, philia and agape. However, only philia and agape find themselves in the Bible.
Eros is sensual love and passionate. It is usually used in a context of desire and longing. It can be sexual, but is not always, as people have all sorts of passions in life. It was and still is a word often used to describe “love” within dating and marriage relationships.
Philia simply means friendship. It’s love that is shared between close friends and always family members. Philadelphia has always been known as the City of Brotherly Love.
The most frequent word for love in the Bible is agape. The Greeks used it to describe how they felt about one’s spouse or children. It is how Jesus felt about his disciples. It is what Jesus said to do for our enemies. It’s unconditional and sacrificing. It’s paying a price for the feeling. It’s actually the peace plan for the world.
It’s been said that love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener! Every marriage relationship should have a delightful mix of these loving feelings. There are certainly erotic times (eros) and sharing life with your best friend (philia). However, love in the context of marriage is so much bigger than those words.
1 Corinthians 13 is, of course, the timeless chapter of “Love is...” Agape love is the love of long lasting relationships. Agape love is the love of decades of marriage. A price is paid for the pleasure of true love. It is more valuable than anything. It’s something for which we would pay the ultimate price. It is what allows people to live in peace with each other.
What is love? “It's silence when your words would hurt. It's patience when your neighbor's curt. It's deafness when the scandal flows. It's thoughtfulness for another's woes. It's promptness when stern duty calls. It's courage when misfortune falls.” - Anonymous
Are There Really Fake Ministers?
Mainstream Christian denominations, Buddhist, Jewish and Muslim sects all have ministers, pastors, cantors, deacons, rabbis, mullahs and imams that will gladly officiate or perform a wedding ceremony. Most couples already involved in some religion usually have a connection or personal relationship with the person that will perform the wedding ceremony.
Couples that do not have a personal connection to a ceremony “officiant,” often turn to friends, wedding related periodicals, resort vendor lists and wedding planners for guidance. At this point, a couple usually believes they just need someone with some personality and speaking ability to oversee the ceremony and get the legal requirements completed for a legal marriage.
Arizona Revised Statues, Article 25-124 is where one can find the definition of persons authorized to perform a legal marriage ceremony. It reads...
The following are authorized to solemnize marriages between persons who are authorized to marry: Duly licensed or ordained clergymen, Judges of courts of record, Municipal court judges, Justices of the peace, Justices of the United States supreme court, Judges of courts of appeals, district courts and courts that are created by an act of Congress if the judges are entitled to hold office during good behavior, Bankruptcy court and tax court judges, United States magistrate judges, Judges of the Arizona court of military appeals.
For the purposes of this section, "licensed or ordained clergymen" includes ministers, elders or other persons who by the customs, rules and regulations of a religious society or sect are authorized or permitted to solemnize marriages or to officiate at marriage ceremonies.
Since marriage is a legally binding agreement or covenant between two people and can only be dissolved by death or legal divorce, the government has placed a high degree of importance and sacred trust on the persons allowed to perform marriages: only clergy and judges.
Judges are regulated by the government, and are elected or appointed by someone with authority. Separation of church and state laws in America give a great deal of flexibility and freedom to “clergy.” Clergy are created and regulated in historical traditions and are ordained on the basis of a personal relationship steeped in faith, education and trust.
In Christian denominations, ordination is highly personal and includes the historical "laying on of hands" of the successors of the Apostles. It is similar to the Jewish Semincha and the Buddhist Sangha historical traditions.
What then about internet and mail-order ordinations and licenses? In many jurisdictions, they are legal. However, mail-order or online certificates are not recognized by any other faith or denomination and do not qualify individuals for any United States military chaplaincies, which raises justifiable questions about sincerity and motive of people who ordain themselves this way. Too many times it is the path of least resistance to the real goal, getting someone else’s money.
People spend a lot of money on weddings, and sadly, getting wedding money is often the only motive for the internet-ordained minister. Couples without a religious connection find these “reverends” in magazines and hotel vendor lists, not at churches or temples.
For instance, The Universal Life Church of Modesto, California has ordained 20 million individuals since 1959, without any personal relationship. The church became famous during the Vietnam war when being a minister was a valid deferment from being drafted into the military. It ordains dogs and terrorists without qualification.
It was reported in U.S. News & World Report that more than 1500 such "Reverends" feed off of the Las Vegas wedding industry. While many lawmakers realize this charade exists and is spreading our way, the Arizona Legislature has yet to successfully confront this moral dilemma.
"Minister" is a function. The term "minister" was never meant to be worn as a title. There is only one "Reverend" in the Bible, and He is God. Any "minister" throwing around the term "Reverend," is an individual looking for special attention, and maybe wedding dollars, too.
On-line “ordination” turns a solemn ceremony of personal consecration to the sacred work of representing one’s Master, into a personal money machine. If a person is not genuine at this level, how genuine can he or she be at any level?
It’s probably O.K. to have your best friend or cousin ordain themselves on the internet to officiate your personal ceremony, but why pay some stranger $100’s of dollars, only purporting and pretending that he or she is a real minister of a real faith in a real church or temple?
Why not visit a friendly local church or temple and get some information about how much God loves you and has a plan for your life and marriage? Listen carefully and you can find a voice of truth and integrity, and perhaps the right person to perform your wedding.
Questions You May Want to Ask a Minister
1) Are you Jewish, Christian, Mormon, Muslim, Hindu or non-sectarian? (Note: Nondenominational means Christian, but not of any specific Christian denomination, i.e., Lutheran, Baptist, Catholic, etc.)
2) What training provided you with preparation for this career, and what related university degrees have you earned?
3) How long have you been a duly ordained/licensed minister in Arizona?
4) What church or institution ordained or licensed you and what is its phone number?
5) May I have the name and phone number of the key leader/moderator of the church or temple to which you belong?
6) May I have the names and phone numbers of three local clergy that know you?
7) To what professional wedding related or ministerial associations do you belong?
8) What training have you received to perform premarital counseling and are you state certified?
Worshipping Together Can Increase Intimacy
Al Bundy, from the satirical, “Married with Children,” didn’t crave intimacy in his marriage. He had a very energetic libido, but he was not one for pillow talk with his wife, Peg.
Archie Bunker was another insensitive husband from TV. He was great at wrinkling up his nose and changing the subject if his wife ever got close to coaxing his feelings out of him.
Not all husbands, or wives for that matter, avoid verbal intimacy. There is always a time and place for everything. Al and Archie would say that time is “way down the future.”
Over time, one or the other might find focusing on the marriage relationship a little uncomfortable. Focusing on the marriage relationship takes practice, patience and persistence because there are so many dynamics.
Many couples spend time with their married best friends, attend workshops for couples, and enjoy time in front of good movies at home and in theaters. They do everything together and are happy doing so.
Others are busy with children, gargantuan careers and even personal issues that take valuable time away from the relationship. Some have all this and more going on. The marriage can and must be balanced.
One thing that couples can do for themselves on a regular basis is to attend church or temple together. This isn’t to “get religion” or to join the “pious on parade.” Going to church together is about improving your relationship with the most important person in your life, your partner!
What can going to church do for couples?
- Be still together. Couples sit together at restaurants, movies and eventually physician waiting rooms. However, few places lend themselves to hand-holding better than quality time at church!
- Sing together. Couples are often found in karaoke bars and some love singing together in cars. It is fun to sing worship songs and old hymns with harmony at church. Most church music is loud enough that even a mediocre singer can enjoy the experience.
- Listen together. There will be agreement and disagreement, because people have different opinions. Hopefully, the church will focus on couples and their needs and if the church doesn’t, look for another that does. There is divine wisdom for every relationship available!
- Meet other couples together. Spend some time with couples you enjoy and want to be more like. Discover and avoid couples you know you never want to become. Many churches have sports & classes for couples that are engaging and healthy.
- Pray together. Pray for your partner. Pray that you become your best. Not everyone has the same religious background, beliefs or relationship with God, but it would be great if couples would make faith important.
- Talk together. Discuss from time to time what you feel, what you believe, and what you envision for your future together. The more couples understand how God loves, the more deeply individuals can understand and love each other
Over time, one or the other might find focusing on the marriage relationship a little uncomfortable. Focusing on the marriage relationship takes practice, patience and persistence. Do everything possible to make it great!
The Wedding Was Great! Now What?
People celebrate what’s important. Milestones, usually. Birthdays. Anniversaries. National holidays are celebrated. Various religious holidays are observed by every sect. If it’s not a day-off, it’s a picnic, a festival, a romantic dinner or a party with family and friends, to celebrate what’s important.
Along with annual celebrations, there are occasional, one-time celebrations. Many feel it’s important to celebrate marriage in a beautiful wedding ceremony. New businesses must celebrate their Grand Opening with a celebration to draw attention. Many folks throw a party when they move-in to a new house. Celebrations that celebrate what’s important are a part of all human cultures and are expressed in many traditions.
There are people who skip the celebration. Independence Day may not mean much to new immigrants. Jews usually don’t celebrate Christmas.
Forget a wedding anniversary or the spouse’s birthday and endorphins of burning guilt will surge from the head, slowly to the toes. Picture deer’s eyes in the headlights, if you will.
People celebrate what’s important to them. If a wedding day or a birthday don’t merit some sort of recognition or celebration, it better have been agreed-upon well in advance of that given milestone. Having a calendar or list of important dates to remember must have been suggested before now!
This wedding planning season has nearly come to an end without any casualties. Planning a wedding celebration is a fun, fulfilling, emotional and exciting season. As the wedding planning season closes, the first anniversary planning season is truly something to get excited about!
The first anniversary will celebrate the successes of 365 days of undivided loyalty, devotion, romance, and all the expressions of love combined. It doesn’t have to be in Paris or on a ten-day cruise, but agree upon how to recap the happiness of your first year of marriage.
Realistically, there might be some sad or even bad days in the first year of marriage. Taking time to remember, talk about and share the good times can take the sting out of the more harsh memories. Some couples keep a journal in which each may contribute good memories of any given day. That would be a meaningful must-read for future generations.
The first days of marriage are so important and worthy of celebration in themselves. Ninety-days into a marriage shouldn’t feel anything like Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day. Enthusiasm for the relationship will increase as each partner becomes involved in planning the anniversary with suggestions, ideas and eventually concrete plans for an anniversary celebration worthy of a great relationship like yours.
Thoughtful anniversary celebrations express something that is important to two unique people. Anniversary celebrations express devotion, recognize success, and mark the season of sharing another year of devotion and love together.
Jean-Paul Sartre wrote, “Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal.” The fact is, as this hectic and exciting wedding season comes to its glorious conclusion, look forward to planning the first of 50 or more years of anniversaries of this ever-so-important date in all of life that everyone wishes could last forever.
Wedding Day Rain - Don't let it get you down! Plan B!
With rising temperatures, flowers blooming, and tee times a week or more in advance, it’s spring time in Arizona. Winter always seems so short in the desert!
Spring time provokes the sweet aroma of orange blossoms, depending upon where in the valley one lives (sorry allergy sufferers). If fortunate enough to live among Arizona’s great forests, there is no mistaking the natural rich scent of pine trees in the spring.
Spring in the green Arizona desert means the temperature hasn’t achieved the century mark, yet. No wonder couples host their weddings at The Desert Botanical Gardens, The Four Seasons at Troon North, or North Scottsdale’s Chapel Bellavista. They are all located in natural desert locations that are most appreciated in the Spring.
Expect to see desert wild life if your spring wedding is held at Ristorante Sassi, The Boulders, or Troon North Golf Club. Javalina, coyote, and bob cats live among the giant saguaros, canes of brilliant ocotillos, and mounds of colorful prickly pear. Anywhere in Arizona is a beautiful setting for a spring wedding.
Another feature of a spring wedding is water. River beds and washes that are usually dry throughout the year have a good chance of running in the spring.
Not to worry where that water comes from! In spring, the snow that has accumulated in the mountains of Northern Arizona slowly melts and makes it way all the way to the valley floor.
The chambers of commerce around Arizona boast over 300 days of sun shine. Great odds! However, for 2008, that means there could be 66 days of rain (it’s a leap year!). No one wants rain on their wedding day, but it is possible that it will. Most of Arizona is praying for it.
One April, an outdoor ceremony was being performed on the beautiful front lawn of The Wigwam Resort, when the sky completely opened. The black-tie wedding was being doused with buckets of unwanted rain. Not two minutes into the ceremony, the pastor asked the couple what they wanted him to do. The bride shrieked, “Just pronounce us!”
Reality check. It does rain in Arizona! No one wants to hear it, but it must be told. There will be at least 66 days of rain this year and one of them might be your wedding day.
What can be done about it? Plenty! Plan!
Be certain to make a Plan B for an outdoor wedding. If the dreaded rain comes, move the ceremony indoors, stand close under safe cover (not trees), provide umbrellas, or rent a tent with a 72-hour notice of cancellation clause (and stay glued to The Weather Channel).
Make sure the officiant, musicians or DJ, know the details of your Plan B. The ceremony may be abbreviated or some music eliminated. Every part of a great Plan B can be discussed and decided well in advance of the ceremony. Your wedding planner will be helpful!
When planning an outdoor wedding, expect airplanes, traffic noise, birds, wild animals (if hosted on the metropolitan periphery), and perhaps even rain.
Appreciate the drama rain creates. Plan to use the clouds and the beautiful sunset they create for photography. Enjoy the aroma of creosote, that only comes when it rains in the desert.
Rain doesn’t necessarily ruin a wedding day. Not planning ruins it. Life needs a little rain, even if it falls on a wedding day.
Love Lesson from The Beautiful Ocotillo
When couples purchase new homes in Arizona, they soon discover that the back yard landscape project is left to them. Most builders leave the back yard completely barren for the couple to create their own special destination. It can be a challenge!
New home or old, many Arizona couples find themselves in a desert nursery, looking for the right plants for their new paradise. The possibilities are endless.
Desert plant nurseries are very different than those in other parts of the country. The flowering cacti, the majestic trees and the tender succulents make visioning a desert garden so easy.
Some people are actually like Tim Allen from The Home Improvement Show, and have their own brand of “ooh, ooh, ooh,” expressing emotional pleasure as they walk through the nursery. It can be so much fun with your partner!
A walk through the desert plant nursery will showcase a highly unusual plant, the ocotillo; the fonquieria splendens. The ocotillo is sold as a bare-root skeleton of a plant. In fact, at first-glance, it looks completely dead with no hope of life.
Other names for the Ocotillo include, Candlewood, Flamingsword, and Jacob's Staff. Looking at a bare-root specimen, it’s hard to believe that it can blossom into a beautiful, leafy and radiant object in the desert.
What makes an apparently dead-looking clump of sticks come to life? Rain! When it rains, the ocotillo explodes with deep green leaves from top to bottom within hours. After another day or two, the ocotillo grows beautiful red blossoms that cover the top twelve or more inches of each cane. In the desert heat, the ocotillo soon dries out and slowly drops those beautiful green leaves and then finally, the red blossoms full of seeds fall to the dry ground.
Relationships are like plants in some ways. They grow. They have seasons. Relationships have real needs in order to survive the seasons and to grow. They can have lean and tough times, but they don’t have to die.
Deprive a relationship from what it needs and it can leave both parties parched and lifeless. Supply what a relationship needs and it can blossom into something beautiful.
An ocotillo’s needs are simple. Even a misting of rain can give the plant new color. It has no brain so it has no other needs.
A marriage relationship, however, is complex and has many needs. There are physical, emotional, spiritual and mental needs in whole relationships. Those needs are met by time and attention... loving rain that is showered on a partner as growth is encouraged, season by season.
A marriage is like that new back yard. It can be a palette for creativity. In order to grow and survive the many seasons of marriage, attention must be given to one’s partner’s “needs.”
Appropriate time and attention must be devoted to each other’s physical needs in marriage. Exercise, nutrition, affection and sex are all much better when shared by two! Encourage and participate in mental and spiritual growth opportunities together. Frequent trips to the library and regular worship give couples mental and spiritual stimulation for growth.
With physical, mental and spiritual needs respected and attended to, a blossoming and emotionally healthy marriage is the likely result.
Minister Phillip Waring Profile by Patti Zint, The Wedding Chronicle
You just have to love Phil Waring. An unlikely cross between Jeff Foxworthy and Joel Osteen, Phil offers both quick wit and genuine acceptance. Precociously certain he could make marriage ceremonies into true celebrations after attending a somber service at the age of ten, he set up a crate and box altar in his family garage to practice conducting weddings. His performance is now perfect.
Winner of The Wedding Chronicle Reader’s Poll six years in a row, inductee into The Wedding Chronicle Hall of Fame, and pastor of Chapel Bellavista, Phil is uniquely dedicated to each and every couple he marries. “I offer authenticity, credibility and a profound appreciation for the individuality of their relationship,” he states. Comments from clients range from surprise that it “felt like you were actually talking to us” to “incredibly impressed that every word you spoke was truly about us and not a canned ceremony” to “Wow!”
“I’m glad to be at the age where I can treat every couple like they are my own children.” To this end, Phil gets to know his clients, spending time both listening and asking questions. His goal is to stay relevant to each particular couple, conducting a thorough interview for significant details about their lives and relationship to use in creating a ceremony especially for them. No two weddings are exactly alike if officiated by Phil Waring. “It’s all I ever wanted to do. I love it, and I love the people to be surprised by how much they enjoy it!” His most challenging weddings are those involving celebrities where their relationships are somewhat public. “In that case I want to find the relevant surprise in their relationship, something no one knows about them, to make their ceremony fresh and new.”
“I’m the minister who always shows up sober with his own teeth and hair,” Phil deadpans with a twinkle of mischief. “I always try to answer the phone and most of the time I work outdoors,” he grins, referring to the lovely desert gardens of Chapel Bellavista, a church charted by Phil and his wife of eleven years, Gwen, also a minister. “Gwen is an incredible minister! Professional people always seek her sound wisdom.” Together, they are the founders of Arizona Ministers, serving couples through marriage counseling, providing quality pastors for wedding ceremonies plus references to other wedding vendors, and opening Chapel Bellavista for worship and intimate wedding services.
Asked to name someone who has influenced and encouraged him both personally and professionally, Phil smiles. “Besides Gwen, that would be George Burnette. He has shown interest and been supportive of me in every area of my life.” An impish grin suggests more than a few pranks between friends.
Phil provides premarital counseling even if he’s not the wedding officiate. “No strings attached,” he quips, and “having marriage counseling indicates a willingness to improve the relationship.” About Covenant marriages, Phil states, “I’ve never met a couple on a crapshoot. A wedding isn’t a gamble. Anything that is done for the relationship is good to consider.”
Also good to consider is Phil Waring as your wedding minister. “I don’t mind going the second mile for my clients. These are relationships, and they’re worth it.”